Having just read about single women still receiving flack for their status, I'd thought I'd write my own guide for single chicks.
I have never even read a book about being single and can imagine they are all about filling lonely nights, or how to attract men. Not interested. So here is my guide. I can't speak for everyone - this just applies to me.
1. Why are you single? It's not because you are not attractive enough, too fat or whatever, plenty of ugly ( and horrible) people are married. It could be that you are not needy, only want to be with someone you are madly in love with or will not just get with a guy to have kids, buy a house and be part of the status quo. Believe me, in 2009 this still happens, so give yourself a pat on the back for being single.
2. You won't put up with crap. Chances are you have been in relationships and if it was you that did the breaking up it could well have been that you don't put up with crap. Whilst compromise, tolerance and patience are all wonderful attributes, look at the relationships you know and you might just realise that you wouldn't put up with the abuse, lack of attention or affection, bullshit arguments and the list goes on.
3. Some people just can't be single. So we still have in a society where there is 40% divorce rate, that it's better to be married than single. I guess we still see it as a sign of success like having the right job or the nice house. We don't see behind the facade that the job may be causing a nervous breakdown or that the people living in that lovely house are mortgaged upto their eyeballs. Anyway, there are people that just can't be alone. They'd rather come home to a spouse they don't like, than none at all. We all know these types that have to have a partner, they have little time between relationships and usually take the first thing that comes along.
4. Get used to being alone. I can't say I always enjoyed being single. There were Saturday nights when I was younger when I was probably pacing the house. But give it time, and you'll soon be channelling your inner Thoreau. Solitude is beautiful.
I think the problem in our society is that we don't like feeling bad. We self medicate with chocolate, alcohol or shoddy sex. As the Buddists say "life is suffering". There is going to be bad in life. Breathe. It will pass. Or do as I do and have a bit of chocy and a glass of wine (or two).
5. So you're sad, lonely depressed. Hey guess what? Did you know that you can be sad, lonely,depressed and in a relationship? Studies have actually shown that married women are lonelier than single women and that single women live longer.
6. So you want to have kids. This is a tricky one, because for me it was always only going to be if I met the right partner. I haven't, so be it. But, I do concede that some women have a bigger need for it than I do. I'd like to see more government funding, for single people and gays to have access to IVF, adoption and benefits. I don't think we should just hook up with any old person because our clock is ticking. I think if my urge had been so strong, I would have gone and done it alone. Sure single parenthood is hard, but 40% of people split up anyway and if you read last Sundays papers, custody battles can be shocking. Question why you want to have kids. Is it because you are in a rut or believe it is just what you should do? Then don't do it. But, if you really want to, then plan it alone.
7. Finances. DO NOT, DO NOT, DO NOT rely on anyone else financially. Exorbitant property market aside, don't go looking for someone because you want to buy a piece of real estate. Plan on buying your own, and hey, there's nothing wrong with renting. The real estate obsession in this country is insane, it just doesn't exist O/S (I'll be writing about this fuckedness in another post if I get around to it). I know some shocking relationships where they only stay together for financial reasons. Do not wait to go overseas or anything else for that matter. A woman I know hated her boyfriend but would not break up with him as they had an O/S trip planned and she said she would never travel alone. She also said she couldn't afford to break up with him as she was hopeless with her money and had relied on him financially and therefore had never developed any financial nous. She did say she didn't like him and actually did not leave him until she met someone else. I personally couldn't live like that.
8. Don't give a stuff what other people say. I don't know about the people in your life, but it's only the people in bad realtionships that ask me if I've met someone. People in good realtionships know that it was a damn fine stroke of luck that they met their wonderful partner and know they are lucky and that it's rare. People in bad relationships wonder why you won't settle like they have. They are also people that often could not cope alone and can't comprehend how you can. See point 3. Anyway, I've always seen worrying about what other people think of you as quite vain in a way.
9.DO NOT GO LOOKING FOR A RELATIONSHIP! I am sure all those single books will try to build up you self esteem and tell you being single is okay, then in the end is a chapter on how to meet a man. Hey, you don't LOOK for a relationship, you FIND a relationship. When I think of the times I fell in love, it just happened, it wasn't calculated. So, and coming from a person who has tried them all, do not do internet dating, speed dating or go to other singles events. They only have a 1% success rate anyway. They are sad and pathetic and you'll only make yourself miserable with the dearth of eligible men. And never do a course or a sport just to meet men, I've done this and any men there were married. Only do things if you really want to. Any other agenda, will only leave you disappointed.
10. Maybe you are just meant to be single.1 in 4 women will never marry and this could be you. Is that so scary? If so, just think of all the bad relationships you know. That's scarier. They even reckon that with marrying later, divorce and men dying younger than us, that women will spend more of their life single than coupled anyway. So it's something we should all get used to. Is there something so wrong with YOU that you don't want to be with YOU? I doubt it.
There just aren't that many good men out there and they've all been snapped up. So have the bad ones and lucky you you're not the one lumbered with them. Maybe you are just the "single type". With the help of such great websites such as quirkyalone and onely I've realised this is me and always has been. But even so, it still takes a few deep breaths when I think I may be the 1 in 4. Probably because whilst I was never one to dream of a white wedding, I guess it was just a given that everyone ends up with someone. It will be a great day when little kids grow up thinking that being single is just as much of an option as getting married and it could change the whole way we grow up, the jobs we choose, the financial choices, the resilience we acquire, so that if we do partner up we do it for all the right reasons. But hey, you could just be one of the 1 in 4. Check out if those websites resonate with you. Maybe you don't run with the pack. Be proud of yourself.
Wednesday, September 9, 2009
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7 comments:
Awesome post! It's so true that there is a tendency to look at the good stuff we're missing as a single, rather than the bad stuff we don't have to (or choose not to) put up with. Being selective is the only decent option but there are so many who would rather anybody than nobody. I've always been of the mind that I have to really be in love with someone to give any kind of commitment, which explains why I've only ever had 2 serious relationships in my life. But it also explains why I've never had a bad relationship...
I could really relate to this article. You are on the money as always. I don't surround myself with people who question my life choices but I get questioned by strangers or dates on why I'm single. I tell them the truth and it's because I've never found someone good enough or someone who could match me in every way. I've met some perfectly nice guys but 50+ years is a long time to be bored with someone just to fulfil society's expectations that you should be married with children.
I had a friend once who always questioned me about why I was single. I knew it was because she wasn't happy and she had settled and she could not stand the fact that I was strong enough to be alone. She told me a story about her friend who said she would freeze her eggs if she hadn't had babies by the time she was 30. I was 30 at the time and I said very gently, you could try and be a bit more sensitive. A week later, I got a seven page text telling me that we did not share the same interests ie church (she goes to Hillsong, that should just about explain everything), family and I can't even remember what else. I wrote back to that she was right and we were in different places but I'd rather be in my place than hers. Good riddance to bad rubbish. I had only known her for a few months so it wasn't a lifelong friendship or anything.
I also agree that a lot of people live a lie and feel very lonely in relationships. There is a difference between physically alone and mentally lonely. I would rather be single and be in a relationship where I felt lonely. That is the worst feeling.
Thanks so much for the shout-out to Onely! This is a great post (not because of the shout-out!). I want to comment on several of your points:
3) Some people can't be alone, true. I personally think that people who can't be alone need to cultivate that ability. However, I also wonder if I need to step back and ask if there's a difference between people who *can't* be alone and people who *don't want to* be alone. Should we respect the people who *don't want to* be alone, even if they bounce from bad relationship to bad relationship? Isn't it their choice? Aren't they choosing what, to them, is the less painful path? To us, being in a bad relationship is worse than being alone, but to them, being alone is worse than being in a bad relationship. Can we categorically say that one is better than the other? I have to think about this more.
4) Are people who *have* to be in a relationship self-medicating the same way that I am self-medicating when I eat an entire pint of ben and jerry's? Interesting. And also, shouldn't it be "Ben's and Jerry's"?
6) AMEN! We need more social services for single and non-traditional households to have children, either by adoption or in-vitro or surrogacy or whatever. Too many people hook up just to have an infrastructure to bring children into the world.
9) Don't go looking for a relationship: I think the crux of this paragraph is "only do things that you want to". Absolutely. That said, I have to say that I tried speeddating once and it was a blast. Maybe that's because I went into it not wanting to meet someone, but wanting to experience the process and the environment. Likewise, I think internet dating could be good if you want to go on dates for the fun of it.
Gillian, a 7 page letter, that's a bit rich. And Hillsong too, maybe better off without her.
I agree people can make some really insensitive comments to singles. My friend always hates the one about "you're single, what's wrong with you?"
Anon - yeah, I'm not anti relationships, a good one is a wonderful thing. Sometimes people don't get why you are selective, I find. Thanks for your comment.
Onely, your blog is great.
Thanks for your comments. Your comment particularly about step 3 is food for thought. I agree, each person is just doing what best fits them. Could go into this more.
Had to google Ben and Jerry's. It's icecream right? I think the Aussie woman's cliched comfort food is probably a packet of Tim Tams. Not me - I'm a wine and dark choc chick myself.
Re what I said about the internet dating and stuff. I've actually known people that have married from meeting on the internet, but I've met a lot that find it very disappointing. I have also done speed dating and found it fun. I guess what I meant is that there seems to be this thing about always looking, always hoping when for me anyway "being single" is preferable to "being single and looking".
I shouldn't have called this "A Guide..., more "What I've realised...
Good luck with your exams.
Great post. I'm single and actively dating. I don't date because I feel like I have to always be looking. I date because I genuinely like the company of men. And sometimes I take breaks from dating when I get too busy for it.
I'd imagine there's a pretty good chance that I'll always be single (I'm 39) and I'm fine with that. The only thing I don't like about it is the ridiculous amount of disrespect I get from other people. Usually women.
It's really quite sad.
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