If you go to Vietnam, don't expect to get a pash

I was rather stunned today when my Vietnamese colleague divulged that Vietnamese people do not kiss on the mouth. Too dirty she said. At first she said Asians, but I quickly informed her that I had been with a Japanese and Chinese and they did definitely kiss on the mouth, and elsewhere as it happens.

As this woman has three children, I could see the thought processes going on behind the quizzical expressions on the faces of the others sitting in the tearoom. They probably went something like this. 1.No pash, well how'd they get together when they were courting? 2. How do they get into the sexual encounter? 3. If kissing on the mouth is too dirty, then I guess toe sucking and oral sex would be out of the question. What the fuck do they do????

Basically, I just can't imagine sex without kissing. I have an old mate that's a Vietnam Vet, and I know he got it on over there (I hope his wife is not reading this blog) so I'll have to ask him tomorrow. Until then, I just cannot quite visualise what goes on in the marital bed of my colleague.

Who's on top?

Was at a party the other night and the talk somehow got to HIV when a gay guy said he had had unprotected sex, but that it didn't really matter as he was a "top" and it's harder for a "top" to get AIDS.

"What's a "top"? one of the guests asked. "Umm", he said, you know, "There are "tops" and "bottoms" and I am a "top".

It was only a few years ago when I had first heard of this phenomenon where in the gay world there are "tops" and "bottoms". Funny thing is, I have only met "tops", I have never met a "bottom". I would think that it would be more enjoyable to be a "top", but then where are the "bottoms" for the "tops"?

Also, is there some kind of code? Like thumbs up if you're a "top" and "thumbs" down if you're a "bottom"?

I know in the hetero world there are some women who are always on top, but we don't have a name for it.

By the way, sorry for the absence, but it's probably coz I broke the drought.

Eats, roots and leaves

What is it with guys, how some of them bounce straight out of bed straight after sex? They've had their release, and they are on their way.

Basically, what I am saying, is that they eat your pussy, root you, and leave.

Is it that they can't stand to be with you? I reckon, if you like the chick enough to fuck her, then you should like her enough to snuggle after. I know you can get used to sleeping in your own bed, tell me about it, I still reckon if you a guy has been intimate enough to come face to muff, then he can be intimate enough to become face to the back of my head (don't you just love spooning?)Maybe I just do not understand male physiology. Whereas the female orgasm makes you all cuddly, does the male orgasm trigger off the escape response?

Last year I fucked a guy called Dickless (he should also have been called Clueless). After the root, he got up to leave. Wanted to sleep in his own bed. I took it no further. He had to have a lesson in Fucking Chicks 101 to get that unlike a wombat, you do not eat, root and leave. He just could not get it. You see, they have set up this whole level of intimacy and seduction, and then it's like you've never met or something. Wouldn't blame any girl if she felt like a complete slut.

And then there is also that thing where if he's a quick comer and you want to see if he'll hang
around for seconds, thirds or whatever.

I don't know if other women feel the same as I do. I mean I am a big cuddler. For me the post coital snuggle is the best. I do know a woman though, that has been told that she fucks like a man. If she's reading this blog, maybe she can let me know if she also ups and leaves like a man. And any men out there, please give me an education in Fucking Men 101.

Has muff diving become THAT mainstream?

You would assume these days that the muff dive would be something practised by most couples, especially if you were tuned into Underbelly last night where every five minutes saw Matt Newton in a sex scene , and in almost all of those sex scenes there was a muff dive involved. And the fact that this was shown in the 8.30 time slot when kids and grannies are still awake, I am sure there was a lot of explaining that needed to be done in the lounge rooms of Australia last night. To the kids and grannies that is, one would hope that the men would not need enlightening, though if you read my post about fanny phobics here, this might be a case when TV can be quite educational. The grannies- well a lot of them were perplexed by the Bill Clinton/ Monica Lewinsky affair (friends of mine told me that their nanas asked them what a blow job was). My nanas didn't ask me. Considering one of them got caught fucking in a car ( a man that wasn't her husband), the other in a knee-trembler, I guess that although a foreign word, cunninglingus may not have been a foreign concept to them.

I am against censorship but when did it become the norm to see someone eat out someone's pussy when you sit down to eat your evening meal? Considering that the early sexualisation of children has been a hot topic lately with a 13 year old boy becoming a father in England this week, are we now going to see muff dives occurring at the back of the school shed?

Actually, I don't know if the muff dive is as common as prime time TV would suggest. I have a friend who won't let her husband partake - "no-one likes a tuna sandwich", she says." She's not the only woman, a guy I know tells me his wife won't let him eat the bearded clam (Is that expression going to die out now that brazillians are de riguer?) Funny, how we haven't heard of guys not wanting to get head, even if they'd been on a ten day trek they'd still allow you to go down on them in all their cheesy glory.

There's an urban myth that black men do not do oral sex and I have seen comments made in movies alluding to this. The one black guy I knew told me this was true. I guess this is one of the times that Michelle Obama is happy that Barack is half white.

Look, I think it's great that there are more realistic sex scenes on TV. I don't have any kids to worry about getting pregnant at 13. However, when you can see more muff dives in one hour of viewing than I have had in the last five years - well there's got to be something wrong with that.

Can't anyone be ugly anymore?

Before and after

A few months ago when I heard that Queensland premier Anna Bligh had had botox, I thought, isn't anyone allowed to be ugly anymore? I should rephrase that as Ms Bligh is not ugly, what I mean, is isn't anyone allowed to be average any more? Shouldn't this woman be judged more for what she does, than how she looks?


The standards for looking good are much higher these days than say twenty years ago.It seems now the average have to be good looking. Remember when there were TV hostesses like Victoria Nicholls on Sale of the Century and Denise Drysdale on Hey Hey it's Saturday? Womens liberation should have progressed not declined. These two women were judged on their wit not their looks, but now we only see blonde models, and when someone is average they do whatever it takes to look like one. Take Ajay Rochester of the Biggest Loser. She has received much criticism for being too fat to host the show, because these days we are so used to seeing botoxed beauties like Sonia Kruger and Jennifer Hawkins as hosts of reality TV. Victoria Nicolls, whilst heaps funnier, wouldn't stand a chance these days.
Ajay


Remember when "Neighbours" and "Home and Away" had the odd plain girl rather than 100% bimbettes and beach babes? Not any more. They all have to be pretty. I was reading a comment in a "Who Weekly" or something that had featured the "Beautiful Kate Richie" the week before. The letter to the mag said, "Kate Richie isn't beautiful, why is it that we have to call these women beautful? Jackie O (the radio one) isn't either". I agree. These women are ok looking, but it's as though there is only one look now, long flowing locks, the same manicures and I wonder if average looking women see that and go,well I can't be a Lara Bingle, but shit Kate Richie, plain looking busting-a-gut to be beautiful, does that mean I have to too?

The standards for grooming are much higher these days. Before you try to argue that the 50s houswife also had to look immaculate, look at it this way. On RSVP a lot of the men ask for women that are into their appearance. This does not mean a nice hair-do and a bit of lipstick, this means, waxed, professional manicure, pedicure, highlighted, shiny hair (read $250 haircut and 100s of proucts), skin thats been microdermabraised, pussy hair removed, botox if necessary, body wraps and a weekly spray tan.

See, this is the thing. Fifty years ago, there was only so much you could do for your looks, and hey there was only about 3 or 4 makeup brands. Did you know that there are now about 10 different cellulite treatments that you can get at a beauty salon? And that Miranda Kerr gets one. Fuck if a 25 year old model that eats like a monk and practices daily yoga feels she requires that, what hope is there for the rest of us?

Will we, like Anna Bligh feel the pressure if so many people are getting botoxed to have it too? I mean are we seeing the extinction of the wrinkle, and if we have any will we be considered some kind of freak?

Now every single body part has to be perfect. Did you know there was such a thing as anal bleaching, a procedure where you can get your date lightened? How many people are going to be looking at your date? Not at the nightclubs I go to anyway. There's also the fanny facial, where your fanny (pussy for the American readers, although there is also such a thing as a butt facial) where your fanny gets cleansed, massaged, exfoliated and ingrown hairs removed. Could be something women lacking foreplay could get into.

Whilst women may think it's unfair to have to do so much for their looks, I tell you one thing though. I'd rather have a face full of wrinkles, than be a guy with a small dick. You can't do much with that!

How to have lots of orgasms- get yourself a rich man.

An article the other today said that women have more orgasms with rich men.

If that is true, here are my theories.

1. Women want to stay with rich men so they fake it so that the guy feels good about the sex they are having. I'm sure that's what Erica Packer must do. That and pop a paper bag over James' head.

or,
2. rich guys often have huge egos, so they try to impress in bed.

3.The better off demographic is often more educated about everything including how to have orgasms.

4. The working class is too frazzled and overworked to have orgasms.

5. Having a small dick affects men psychologically so they can't achieve in life therefore rich men have bigger dicks. I know it's not supposed to be about the dick, it's about the clit,rah, rah rah, but I just thought I'd throw that one in there anyway.

6. But maybe a high achiever, tries to achieve a higher rate of orgasm for their mate.

Do you have any theories? And what happens to the tradie that wins lotto? Does he become a stud over night? It probably makes him more popular with the ladies, and that takes me back to point 1.

Now, I must point out that this study was done in China which is a whole different ball game (I'm not talking about a game with ben wah balls,though maybe this is what those rich blokes use.)

Here are my theories which are not as far fetched as those above.

1. Rural living where a whole family shares a bed does not lead to sex, let alone orgasms.

2. They may not have the same access to hygiene so the man may not want to go down, apparently a common way for women to have orgasms.

3. Rich people may have access to all kinds of orgasm producing Chinese herbs.

4. Peasants don't have much knowledge about sex. This is true. One time a couple went to their doctor and told him they couldn't conceive. Turns out the husband, a farmer, was trying to fuck his wife in the belly button.

Unfortunately I cannot comment from experience. I have had dud roots that haven't been well-off and good roots that haven't been well-off. James and Lachlan haven't exactly been lining up to fuck me. Actually, come to think of it, I did once go on a date with a rich guy. That was the one I farted in front of, see here so unfortunately I didn't get to test out the theory.

Parents having sex - we don't want to know.

Although we don't want to hear that we are adopted, we also do not want to believe that our parents have sex. We can come at the idea that they may have done it the three or whatever times to concieve how ever many kids there are in your family, and all in the missionary position of course. Beyond that, it grosses us out.

It's usually divorced parents that like to regale you with their erotic encounters. I don't know if it perturbs us the younger generation because we think we invented sex, we know that we didn't, but we may think it was us, not them, that invented oral, doggy and tocus lingus. Our parents doing beyond missionary is just too much to imagine.

A friend the other day in quite a large group was talking about how her father likes to tell her everything. I said, "yeah like how often he does it rah rah rah", "no", she said the "full on details". "Like what I said?", thinking I was going to hear something tame like how he and his lover did it twice in one night or something. "Are you sure you want to hear this?", she asked the group, "YES". "Well", she said, "he said the only reason you go to the cinema, is to play sticky finger". "Errrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr", from all round. I do not want to imagine some 60 year old couple in the back seat, doing the old finger. Not even I have done that. They probably even do that hole in the popcorn cup, you know the one where you place it over the guys cock and you pretend to be going in for popcorn?. I haven't done that one either.

However, it's not that I am ageist. I am not against older people people being sexual. An older couple I know told me they go for it 3 times a week. Good on them, some younger couples should take their lead. I am no more perturbed by my 60 year old colleague telling me that he wanks on a daily basis, than my 33 yr old colleague telling me that (it's the 33 year's old hobby). All I thought was I hope they wash their hands before they come to work.(I don't know why people tell me this shit, but I guess without it, I wouldn't have this blog).

So why do these divorced parents feel like regaling us with all this shit? Is it because they were young in the "far out" 60s, that they think it's "groovy" to talk about sex. My own father once told me how he couldn't fuck a woman because she was too "dry". TOO MUCH INFORMATION. By the way, there is something called KY. You're not as "with it" as you think.

A young woman I know told me she overheard her mother say to her father "can I suck your cock?" The young woman is now suffering from post traumatic stress disorder.